inadequacy

2023-03-20 @ 15:12

there are so many reasons for everyone to feel inadequate with things the way they are. so somehow to talk about inadquacy feels like a contribution to my own inadequacy; if everyone is struggling with the same thing, why add to the noise? we all already know what it feels like, so why try to express it? we all feel the same. to talk about it feels like an effort to single your own internal experience as different to others, as special or notable or worth reading.

but again, i cite the structure of a site like this as a reason to view this drop in the ocean of musings on inadequacy as something that does not seek to compare but simply explore because it defies social media. were i to write this on social media, the format and interface of the site would encourage the post to be compared with others. but i have no idea if anyone will ever click this; there is no visual footprint in the way there is on a social media post.

so i'm far more comfortable discussing inadequacy if i don't think it's going to be viewed as a claim to be hurting deeper than anyone else. we all feel inadequate. the world is engineered to make us feel inadequate. but that doesn't mean that there's no value to be found in exploring it, just because we all feel it.

i don't think they thought i was inadequate, but it's something that i can't stop worrying about. what if i added to the hurt? what did i do? i can't remember. feeling desired can be such a special moment, but it can be equally - simultaneously - disgusting. i want to serve that special feeling; share the empathy, "i know how good it feels to be desired, and i want you to know that i desire you", but equally, "i would never impose my desire onto you against your will." if that happened, it's not because i desire power over you, it's not because i want to control you. it's because i'm clumsy at expressing myself, bad at reading you, anxious and inadequate.

how too am i meant to work on all of these creative projects feeling as i am? how could anyone trust me working creatively? i'm so deeply flawed, the creative world is like the open sea and i can barely swim. people see me flailing and drowning, and somehow people have bought the lie that i'm developing a new style of swimming. in truth, it's just a way to drown slightly slower.

the creative process is to face my own inadequacy every day and work through to the end regardless. with absolutely zero faith in myself; it doesn't matter if i believe in myself. it matters if i complete the task or not. it is not my position to judge what is created; my inadequacy does not matter, my internal experience does not matter other than to season the end product of the art. if the art is inadequate in the eyes of the viewer, then i have failed. that is the only metric of success.